Spring is my favourite time of the year, there's something about it that makes me feel physically and emotionally well, except for the hayfever which elhamdullah I didn't get this year whoop whoop! I headed out the other day with my growing belly moving more like a walrus now haha to visit my favourite place in Stirling, filling my eyes with these beautiful cherry blossom trees.

Lately I've managed to do my second sunzdid giveaway,  I chose a very special date 10th April my father's birthday, I wanted to celebrate it this year in my own way, he was a very giving and generous person may Allah have mercy on his soul, he loved to draw a smile and was such a positive spirit that could light up a grey day.  So, I though to push myself instead of one winner why not make it three this time and help draw a smile on 3 lucky faces, as a small business owner myself I sure do know how it's hard to get there and succeed, by no means I'm suggesting I am, but I'm trying.  I wanted to give something back I just felt the need to give, hoping it might help them on their journey and definitely cut some expenses out.  

My father's absence still affects my life on a daily basis, I learned after one year and 3 months of his departure that I have my own way to deal with it that's special I try to live the memories and celebrate his life in my own way.  After baba passed away last year, the most that devastated me was him not meeting my now two year old Joud that he absolutely adored, it's something I still have to live with and breaks me a lot.  

I thought for so long how will I make Joud remember dad? they never even met, how could I possibly tell her all about him? how can I describe him? his smile? his personality? the strong character he was? I thought of putting up a scrapbook, drawing everything I could remember all our talks, dreams and those detailed memories of him driving me and my siblings to school, the very old memories that are over 15 years old!! years of memories imprinted in my brain, how could share them with my daughter?I had everything I wanted to use ready and waited for something to start, but I still haven't found it in me to put my dad in a book.   

If you've experienced a loss of a loved one, tell me how did you deal with it? people say time heals, but it remains an open wound forever. 

With Spring's fresh breeze, we are getting ready to welcome our second baby, exciting moments ahead I'm sure, I can't wait to meet the little one inside and can't wait to see Joud's reaction seeing her little brother or sister as we decided this time not to check the baby's gender.  A lot have changed the last year, I've managed to achieve many goals and dreams of mine but the happiness of so many things in life now are just not felt the same, the feeling of happiness from the bottom of the heart is not common without my dad, he'll now miss his second grandchild like he missed my MSc graduation that he was such a huge part of, and so many happy moments in my sibling's lives as well.  Life goes on I was told and it blossoms away...

May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannah
 and may his mercy be upon you 

see you in a better place papa bear x

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One year

It's that day that I've been trying to forget that sits on the calendar reminding me of the same day last year 24th January 2016, the day my father passed away.  

One year passed, one whole year without me hearing his voice or having him asking about how I am, one year without him asking me to send him photos and videos of Joud, not asking what mischief is she up to today, one year without him encouraging me to continue doing what I love and chasing my dreams, one year without him giving all the fatherly love in this world, and three years without me seeing his happy eyes and pretty face light up when I deliver happy news and feel the warmest hug.  So much had changed, I can't believe Joud was only 9 months when baba left, now she's almost 2 years old!   

So much have changed in one year, myself I grew up a lot like no other year, I learnt some very hard lessons that come along like a wave after the loss of a loved one.  I stopped sulking, it got me nowhere but made me physically and mentally exhausted.  I know now every happy moment hurts and I can't feel it the same anymore, the true "whole happiness" I once felt will never be again, I tried everything nothing managed to fill the gap and nothing will ever bring that feeling back, the effortless smile and simply just to have a dad.  Nothing helps but the memories, I've stopped talking about all this and share it with only very few people in my life, some people tend to underestimate tragedies they've never been through themselves, others may think you should stop and move on and as I wrote in a previous post I have a major problem with "move on". 

The best lesson I've learnt this year is that my father is still with me he really is, I hear his words over and over and imagine what he would have said or acted in some situations, his guiding hand will never leave me, the love and care he nourished us with all our lives shall never be gone. He is still with me teaching me lessons every day helping me go through this life even when he's absent, that's the way of loving, caring and teaching I want to give back to my own children.

May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannah
 and may his mercy be upon you 

see you in a better place papa bear x

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A rock & tide

It's been a very long time since I have been around, I have been very quite lately as some of you may have noticed, for months I have tried to shut myself out from everything and everyone. It's still very hard to actually write about it and say it out loud, I have lost my beloved father baba suddenly and my whole world fell apart, I feel the agony of him not being here every day, words are hard to put in situations like these, where our plans, dreams, and hopes were shattered, the complicated circumstances that forced us not to visit home, had finally got to me & my darkest fear came true.

I was scared facing up to the fact baba's sudden departure from our lives is irrevocable! I wasn't ready to smile or feel happy again, I wasn't ready for life again basically, I wasn't ready for carrying on anything, how could I? I lost my father and with him went so much of me, he had taught me most of what I know in life, but never taught me how to live without him, he was my rock in every sense. 
In the past, whenever he was poorly, I would be sobbing and he would be the calm funny person that he is, telling me to stop worrying telling me always.

 عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم (اعلم أن الأُمة لو اجتمعت على أَن ينفعـوك بشيء ، لم ينفعوك إلا بشيء قد كتبه الله لك ، وإن اجتمعوا على أن يضروك بشيء ، لم يضروك إلا بشيء قد كتبه الله عليك، رفعت الأقلام وجفت الصحف )  And remember that if all the people gather to benefit you, they will not be able to benefit you except that which Allah had foreordained (for you); and if all of them gather to do harm to you, they will not be able to afflict you with anything other than that which Allah had predestined against you. The pens had been lifted and the ink had dried up. 

It felt so weird not to hear it from him once again!

The loss had literally shaken my world and opened my eyes to the purpose of being here in the first place, it taught me how short life is, and how the effect of love and care never fades away.  It is that same love that will forever be the most precious thing that would help you breathe daily for the rest of your life and let you hang to it, it is those lifetime memories that will forever live.

Unfortunately, an inevitable process was marching my way, "you have to be strong" I was told, "sadness is consuming you" "for the sake of Joud" "you're not the same" "don't forget yourself" "you look sad", a large piece of yourself and soul was taken away, ripped out and you're expected to be the same? when people just assume your grief is a short period and it's time to "move on" and lift weights from your heavy heart, hearts are not meant to be controlled, but still even if I hated hearing it, it was true, I lost sense of time the most, where did nearly eight months go? it was true, it was a spiralling loss of control, it all feels surreal!

 Then you feel there is no choice but to smile and train yourself to control your tears when someone with similar features as your father's crosses the road, when you walk by the shop you always planned to get him gifts from, when you spot his favourite bird chirping, when you decide to cook his favourite meal just to remember the conversations of his critique on what you cooked! when you could hear his voice calling your name, when you in every single day think about what he would have thought of this and that? when Joud started her first steps, when she had a funny new trick to do, when she learned something new, when you fulfil an academic goal you sowed together but reaped alone, I still imagine and day dream what he would've said, my imagination helped me through a very dark time.

People tend to show their inner feelings when you are at a very difficult time, so hang on to those that were there as a shoulder or just called to hear you cry and help you with their presence and cared for you.  The most heart warming feelings came to me from people I barely knew and even complete strangers, that does assure me the world is still kind. While how to deal with it all I have yet to figure out, my safety loving net helped through it all, those gems I plan to keep for life, you will be surprised and quite shocked from others that once were, they will flow by the tide away ...

From all of this, I find comfort in a thing maybe two, all the memories we've made his presence was something I always thanked god for. A lot of people I know didn't have the same life, some have never met their father's, or carry vague memories of, while others struggled in their lives to have their father as it is! my heart goes out to them, thinking of this does give me much comfort, that me and my siblings had a great loving father.
 My sister Arwa once was trying to comfort me, telling me baba went exactly as he was, my husband as well told me how hard it is seeing a loved one withering in front of your eyes every day, I won't lie their words managed to bring a bit of joy to my heart.  I do understand now that much pain comes with both ways, one having your heart ripped swiftly and the other slowly.

Baba, you were the funniest, smartest, most caring loving father and best friend to me, your place in my heart still grows, I will miss you till my very last breath, I will forever cherish every second I got to have you in my life, you are still alive, you run in my veins and beat in my heart, Joud will miss a loving gdeda's presence I always tell her about you, one day she will be old enough to pray for you. Maybe one day I might learn how to live with not seeing you as a grandad and how you never got to meet your only grandchild, missing you started over two years ago and shall continue until the end.

May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannah
 and may his mercy be upon you 

see you in a better place papa bear x

إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون

Surely we belong to Allah

and to him we shall return