It's that day that I've been trying to forget that sits on the calendar reminding me of the same day last year 24th January 2016, the day my father passed away.
One year passed, one whole year without me hearing his voice or having him asking about how I am, one year without him asking me to send him photos and videos of Joud, not asking what mischief is she up to today, one year without him encouraging me to continue doing what I love and chasing my dreams, one year without him giving all the fatherly love in this world, and three years without me seeing his happy eyes and pretty face light up when I deliver happy news and feel the warmest hug. So much had changed, I can't believe Joud was only 9 months when baba left, now she's almost 2 years old!
So much have changed in one year, myself I grew up a lot like no other year, I learnt some very hard lessons that come along like a wave after the loss of a loved one. I stopped sulking, it got me nowhere but made me physically and mentally exhausted. I know now every happy moment hurts and I can't feel it the same anymore, the true "whole happiness" I once felt will never be again, I tried everything nothing managed to fill the gap and nothing will ever bring that feeling back, the effortless smile and simply just to have a dad. Nothing helps but the memories, I've stopped talking about all this and share it with only very few people in my life, some people tend to underestimate tragedies they've never been through themselves, others may think you should stop and move on and as I wrote in a previous post I have a major problem with "move on".
The best lesson I've learnt this year is that my father is still with me he really is, I hear his words over and over and imagine what he would have said or acted in some situations, his guiding hand will never leave me, the love and care he nourished us with all our lives shall never be gone. He is still with me teaching me lessons every day helping me go through this life even when he's absent, that's the way of loving, caring and teaching I want to give back to my own children.
May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannah
and may his mercy be upon you
see you in a better place papa bear x
