A rock & tide

It's been a very long time since I have been around, I have been very quite lately as some of you may have noticed, for months I have tried to shut myself out from everything and everyone. It's still very hard to actually write about it and say it out loud, I have lost my beloved father baba suddenly and my whole world fell apart, I feel the agony of him not being here every day, words are hard to put in situations like these, where our plans, dreams, and hopes were shattered, the complicated circumstances that forced us not to visit home, had finally got to me & my darkest fear came true.

I was scared facing up to the fact baba's sudden departure from our lives is irrevocable! I wasn't ready to smile or feel happy again, I wasn't ready for life again basically, I wasn't ready for carrying on anything, how could I? I lost my father and with him went so much of me, he had taught me most of what I know in life, but never taught me how to live without him, he was my rock in every sense. 
In the past, whenever he was poorly, I would be sobbing and he would be the calm funny person that he is, telling me to stop worrying telling me always.

 عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم (اعلم أن الأُمة لو اجتمعت على أَن ينفعـوك بشيء ، لم ينفعوك إلا بشيء قد كتبه الله لك ، وإن اجتمعوا على أن يضروك بشيء ، لم يضروك إلا بشيء قد كتبه الله عليك، رفعت الأقلام وجفت الصحف )  And remember that if all the people gather to benefit you, they will not be able to benefit you except that which Allah had foreordained (for you); and if all of them gather to do harm to you, they will not be able to afflict you with anything other than that which Allah had predestined against you. The pens had been lifted and the ink had dried up. 

It felt so weird not to hear it from him once again!

The loss had literally shaken my world and opened my eyes to the purpose of being here in the first place, it taught me how short life is, and how the effect of love and care never fades away.  It is that same love that will forever be the most precious thing that would help you breathe daily for the rest of your life and let you hang to it, it is those lifetime memories that will forever live.

Unfortunately, an inevitable process was marching my way, "you have to be strong" I was told, "sadness is consuming you" "for the sake of Joud" "you're not the same" "don't forget yourself" "you look sad", a large piece of yourself and soul was taken away, ripped out and you're expected to be the same? when people just assume your grief is a short period and it's time to "move on" and lift weights from your heavy heart, hearts are not meant to be controlled, but still even if I hated hearing it, it was true, I lost sense of time the most, where did nearly eight months go? it was true, it was a spiralling loss of control, it all feels surreal!

 Then you feel there is no choice but to smile and train yourself to control your tears when someone with similar features as your father's crosses the road, when you walk by the shop you always planned to get him gifts from, when you spot his favourite bird chirping, when you decide to cook his favourite meal just to remember the conversations of his critique on what you cooked! when you could hear his voice calling your name, when you in every single day think about what he would have thought of this and that? when Joud started her first steps, when she had a funny new trick to do, when she learned something new, when you fulfil an academic goal you sowed together but reaped alone, I still imagine and day dream what he would've said, my imagination helped me through a very dark time.

People tend to show their inner feelings when you are at a very difficult time, so hang on to those that were there as a shoulder or just called to hear you cry and help you with their presence and cared for you.  The most heart warming feelings came to me from people I barely knew and even complete strangers, that does assure me the world is still kind. While how to deal with it all I have yet to figure out, my safety loving net helped through it all, those gems I plan to keep for life, you will be surprised and quite shocked from others that once were, they will flow by the tide away ...

From all of this, I find comfort in a thing maybe two, all the memories we've made his presence was something I always thanked god for. A lot of people I know didn't have the same life, some have never met their father's, or carry vague memories of, while others struggled in their lives to have their father as it is! my heart goes out to them, thinking of this does give me much comfort, that me and my siblings had a great loving father.
 My sister Arwa once was trying to comfort me, telling me baba went exactly as he was, my husband as well told me how hard it is seeing a loved one withering in front of your eyes every day, I won't lie their words managed to bring a bit of joy to my heart.  I do understand now that much pain comes with both ways, one having your heart ripped swiftly and the other slowly.

Baba, you were the funniest, smartest, most caring loving father and best friend to me, your place in my heart still grows, I will miss you till my very last breath, I will forever cherish every second I got to have you in my life, you are still alive, you run in my veins and beat in my heart, Joud will miss a loving gdeda's presence I always tell her about you, one day she will be old enough to pray for you. Maybe one day I might learn how to live with not seeing you as a grandad and how you never got to meet your only grandchild, missing you started over two years ago and shall continue until the end.

May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannah
 and may his mercy be upon you 

see you in a better place papa bear x

إنا لله وإنا إليه راجعون

Surely we belong to Allah

and to him we shall return